It's been a while since I've found myself unable to put into words what I am feeling. I have knee-jerk reactions. I get emotional when it's someone or something that I care very deeply about; I go into mood swings, I"m up and I'm down; I try not to overreact because I have to consider the people around me, mainly my children, I pray even more than I usually do and I have my private talks (with God) even more than I usually do.
I feel at a loss and helpless and past experiences replay in my mind like a recorder, clear as day, with thoughts of what I could have done differently or what I wished the outcome could have been. Those are the times when I'm going into overdrive and not letting go and let God do his work.
A co-worker of mine has been ill for the last two weeks and now she is unconscious, lying in a hospital bed. The doctors are considering putting her into a coma. The awful thing for me is she is in that place, that last place where my mom never came out of her coma and I feel as if history is repeating itself.
My co-worker is not a blood relation to me, she is just a good friend, a kind and gentle soul who would do whatever she can for anyone who she feels a need to help. She has her moments, (don't we all?) idiosyncrasies that she became known by, and what I've learned to adjust to and not take affront at. Time and again, I've learned to handle her with kid-gloves, calming her because she gets overly excited and lets simple minute detail bother her when it isn't necessary.
She is a mother, a grandmother, a wife, a sister, an aunt, a co-worker, a friend. She has grown children and family who are rallying around her right now. I've not been able to go see her, nor have my other co-workers because she's been in the intensive care unit for more than a week. Surprisingly, I found out today (yesterday) that she was home, since I spoke to her on Friday before leaving work and she wasn't leaving the hospital, and at the time of my calling to check with her daughter how she was, she was being rushed to the ER again because of seizures and blood pressure of 240 over 100! Now she' s unconscious and her family is very worried, as they would be.
The past weeks at work, prior to this, although busy, we have all been in touch with her, talking to her via phone, keeping tabs with her family and passing along word to our fellow workers. We got a card together, which I decorated in a flamboyant way because she loves that, and planned on doing other things to make her feel better. I have no clue if she even got to see the card, but that's not even important right now. I've spoken to one other co-worker today, so far we're the only two who know this latest happening.
I find myself praying asking the Lord to help her to hold on, that she is too young to go, that her family needs her and that he should give her another chance because I know she wasn't ready to move on yet. Then I realise to myself, who am I to ask for such a thing? Who am I to make such a request? I shouldn't jump the gun and think negative. When the odds are stacked against you, you shouldn't give up, you should keep on fighting and I hope that she is doing that, somehow.
She is being cared for by doctors, specialists who should know what they are doing, but whom we all don't seem to have faith in right now because she has gotten so bad so quickly. Several weeks earlier, she found out that she had blockage in her chest area (forgive me, I forgot the medical terms), she had a procedure to clear it and then they realised that she is going to have to have another procedure, this time an angioplasty, where they remove a vein from her leg to place on the other side of her chest, where there was another blockage. She hadn't even recovered fully from the first procedure, then she was saying goodbye to us at work to do that one. Since having that procedure done, she has yet to recover. She has constant headaches, her blood pressure fluctuates, she has seizures and they did even more procedures trying to fix what was going on because they weren't sure, she had a stint (spell?) placed in her kidney, a balloon in her heart or artery (again, I forgot the medical procedure, sorry). They have done neurological exams which included a full dye job to see what was causing the constant seizures, her blood pressure fluctuating, and diving, and her constant headache that none of their medications could stop. How can our modern marvels, doctors and their medications not know what is wrong with a middle-aged woman? How can they all be confiring and doing tests after tests after tests, and still no answer? It's like they are playing the guessing game!
I am going to see her tomorrow, even though she is sleeping, I've offered my time and help to her family if they need me. I pray that she will recover from this by the grace of God. I don't like asking God not to let someone die, the two times I did, they died anyway. Strike that, I think I'm two for two on that one, so I won't be too hard on Him!
I pray for her recovery and ask that although you don't know her, if you reading this would do so too, prayer, chant, whatever you do. We have all been praying for her at work and I know that although her family and us wish for her to be well, it is ultimately up to the Lord and her Fate as to the outcome of this.
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