When I see someone crying because they have lost someone they love;
When I see someone packing away clothes to givie them away; crying uncontrollably;
When I see someone finding it hard to let go, to come to terms with their feelings, because it hurts so much, too much, I understand.
It makes me cry inside, and I tear up, and I know that it’s not easy to explain, to let others understand, just how that is, still.
How hard it is to remember to say ‘was’ or ‘used to’. I had to correct myself just a few days ago, speaking in the present tense, instead of the past tense.
Sometimes it’s not easy to remember to do and say the right things.
Especially when a little four and half year old keeps asking where did grandma go. “Grandma’s gone to heaven honey”. “yes I know that but when will she come back?” “She won’t be back just yet honey; we’ll see her again one day, but not just yet.” “But I miss her”. “I know honey, I miss her too”. “I only have one grandma now?” “yes honey” “only daddy’s mommy?" “yes honey”. “oh”.....and then it’s hard to stay still and it’s hard to not tear up, and it’s hard to let her see the tears that I still get sometimes. Because I’m no one’s little girl anymore. And all I can do is give her a hug and take her attention else where.
No whining, no depression, just sometimes a bit nostalgic with remembrance of things past. I know I’ve said it already, but maybe when I do do that deed, maybe then it will be less painful. And maybe then it won’t be so hard to talk about….still.
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