I've been debating whether I should write this because noone else but me (and my closest friends and relatives) cares about my life and what happens in my world anyway. But writing does help I find. It's been a very difficult two weeks for me and my family.
I just lost my mother. She was sick and I know that she has gone on to a better place. A place where there's no pain, no more worries. She can travel anywhere she wants now. It's the coping that gets hard at times. There are moments of random crying and there are moments of going off mentally, just staring blankly. Kind of like, it's-all-a-dream-and-I'll wake-up-and-see-her-sitting-on-the-sofa. While she was in a coma in the hospital I visited her and talked to her, along with other family members. I touched her and held her hands and put her hands to my face just so that I could feel her touch. It's been four days since she's been gone and I feel very raw and very fragile at the moment.
Friends would call and it seems that they all say, you sound very calm or you sound normal. What am I supposed to sound like? I guess it's because I'm not weeping while talking to them. They don't know that right before they call I was bawling my eyes out in the bathroom. So, the calm,the "normal" they hear is just the quiet after the storm. It's even harder explaining to the children. They do seem to grasp what I tell them and are coping rather well. They say, I know mom, grandma died. And I say, if there's anything at all that you want to talk about or if there's any problems, I'm here. So far, no further explanations needed. My friends suggest that perhaps they're trying not to upset me and they see how her passing has affected me and so they don't want to talk about it. Perhaps that is it. But I'm keeping an eye out for any strange behaviours. But you know, i'm the one who is being forgetful, sometimes talking nonsense because I'm not concentrating on what I'm saying. They come to me and hug me, so precious.
There were so many things I wanted to do with her, places to go see, adventures to have. She was that type of person. I told her that when I go on my little adventures I know she will be there with me. I miss her terribly. Its even harder for my other siblings because they haven't seen her in a while and didn't get the chance to say goodbye. She was our last parent. Now she and dad are together. Last night I went into her room and took her bedjacket and hugged it to me, inhaling her essence. I stood there like that for a few minutes. I am not going to wash it. I'll have that so that can get a "hug" when I need it. I'm nobody's little girl anymore, that's hard to think about. I know that in time it will get better emotionally. But the wound will never heal. I'm happy for the memories and the pictures. I'll make sure her grandchildren remember her as she was, strong, beautiful and full of fun. Rest in Peace mom, I'll always love you.