I'm here nursing my toothache. My emergency call to the dentist went unanswered -but that's another story. Maybe my toothache has gone to my head or maybe it's waiting on this hurricane to pass, but I've been thinking, you know what? I need a makeover. Hey, there's so many reality shows out there, making over people's lives, for the better, why not mine. Why shouldn't I get a second chance at doing things over? Except my makeover would have to be a radical one, not just physical but in every aspect of my life. My makeover would have to involve me making the right choices, getting my credit score up, buying the house of my dreams, or any house for that matter! Finishing my degree, writing that book or starting that business I've been dreaming about. Getting that college fund started for my teenager, actually keeping money in my saving account. Of course this makeover would involve my entire family, I'm sure they would agree to it. My teenager would probably be so embarassed. But who has time to be embarassed. Why say no to a "gift horse", if it was offered?
First of all, I think I'm getting the "mid-life-oh-my-God-I-haven't-achieved-anything-crisis!" When I look back at my life BK - before kids- there were so many things I was going to accomplish. I was on the career track, I wanted to be a manager of something, earning a decent living, not a rich one, but good enough to enjoy certain things that now in looking back, they were luxuries. I was going to school with dreams of earning some bachelor or the other. The only bachelor I earned was my beloved, and then came my first-born, while I stopped at the second rung of that achievement ladder - an Associate. Meanwhile with a family now, my beloved and I started working so as to provide a life for our family. Let's face it, we didn't have a dowry of any kind, nor rich parents, so there was nothing to inherit or even borrow. We were basically on our own. At any rate, to not make this rambling too much of a rambling....we basically have our kids and are just surviving right now. And I know we are lucky because a lot of people out there have a lot less and are having a harder life. However, there are times when I wonder at the choices I made. Especially where we are now, it's been a very difficult time for us. If anyone had ever said to me, one day you would end up living in a hotel for a couple of months I would have laughed in their face. And if anyone had said, one day you will not know where your next meal is coming from or wonder why you came to this place, I would have scoffed at the suggestion. But knowing that our family was doing better in every other way, was an encouragement to stick it out. In sticking it out I've learned humility. I've also learned to listen more and to be there for others, especially my family, and I'm still learning. I've also learned that God uses me in ways I never thought of and I'm learning to let go and let Him. Now that the big 4-0 is six months away, I'm taking a hard look at myself and I want a makeover.
Here is my dream makeover:
First, I need a new look. Yes, a new look and I'm not talking about surgeries either (although a lift here and a tuck there would be nice). I don't mind getting physical, (I was working out religiously but the recent passing of my mom has curtailed that energy) working out is a great stress release. I need new hair do, I have none. A good cut would be nice.
Second, finances need to be put in order. We owe too much money to others and sometimes it is the reason why we are always broke and why we struggle to make ends meet.
Third, I would like to pursue that bachelor again and my job will pay for it, it's just making the time to do it. With kids and no one to babysit or monitor when I'm not there, that is still a dream. Athough I could leave the teenager to babysit but then what about their studies? I've even looked into online courses which would be ideal. But that cost is too much on my own and I would need a new computer system that works efficiently.
Fourth, I would like to start a business. I have several budding ideas. I need to select the one that would be ideal and work on it.
And of course in between those makeovers, my beloved and kids would be made over too. We both could actually have grown up time and not fall asleep in front of the television after dealing with children and/or anything else on the night we are finally home together.
We are in a better position now than we were a year ago or when we first got here, we now live in an apartment. We are budgeting and sometimes indulge the kids a little, not often. We have family who are far away and sometimes they can help out -thank God. We have gained some wonderful friends who have been placed in our lives for a purpose. As I said before, I am learning humility, to let go and learn to accept offers of help when it is given and say thank you. Not that I was never a humble person, but learning humility in that I let go of this thing that I carried around with me for years - Pride. The pride that makes you not admit when you need help, or when you think you are too proud or when you think you can do things on your own because that's what you have always done and you are always the one who help others, the one who others look up to, the one who could always rescue a friend or family in need (not for bragging rights but because you could) and feel good doing it. When it was time for me to be in the position where I would be the one who needed the help because the shoe was on the other foot, I realized for my kids sake I have to speak out and I have to admit failure. But it isn't failure really, it is doing the right thing at the wrong time. Being here was supposed to be the end results after making a success of our lives elsewhere. Being here was supposed to be the icing on the cake of our lives. But was it the right thing at the wrong time? No, I don't think so. I believe that God put us through certain things, certain trials, in order to teach you something. So to learn what it is he wants us to learn, we have experienced and are experiencing profound moments. He gives us what he knows we can handle and as my friends keep reminding me, he brought you to it, he'll bring you through it. And so, while I continue to learn my life-lessons, I will continue to be humble and to offer advice when I can; to accept help when it is given; to find that which it is I'm trying to find. A makeover would be nice - and if nothing else, I'm learning to do it for myself, step by step and it may not be as fast as on the television, the ideal way, but it will be me making our lives over on God's terms in my own way.