Hello, my name is Donna and I’m an emotional eater. My emotions rule the way I eat. That would be me standing in a room full of other EEs, if there was a food anonymous program and if, I repeat if, I hadn’t taken control of the way I eat.
I have mentioned my food craving and how hard it is to resist sometimes. This was a major problem before I started working out. I would eat and be satiated with what I ate. Then it would happen. I would start reaching for snacks, anything I could get my hand on to put in my mouth. The craving for something sweet and satisfying that would meet that mood I’m in. The I’m not angry-but-I’m-feeling-like-a-clod-failure-lost-missingmyparents-sorry-for-myself feeling. The more I felt this way, the more I would reach for things, mmm that cookie was good, let me take just two more, or the popcorn or the slice of whatever treat is in the refrigerator. I just had to have them.
While all this eating was going on, my body was slowly changing. Fat was creeping up on me. Mind you I hadn’t lost all the baby weight from my pregnancy three years ago, and here I was adding more to it. But I didn’t really care. I just didn’t want to worry anymore about how I looked, what didn’t fit me anymore and how inactive I was becoming. I allowed myself to wallow in my misery. Yes, it was depression, not heavily but enough to make me feel sorry for myself while I mourn. I mourned the loss of my mother; my dad who died three years ago; I missed my siblings; I’m gonna be 40 in 2005 and there’s so much I’ve yet to do; career-wise I wasn’t where I wanted to be; I am so tired of struggling! I’m so tired of being tired! I was an emotional mess! This was me up to the end of 2004.
Then came 2005 and my resolve to stop beating myself up and stop being a couch potato. Stop being a couch potato not in the sense of sitting down and watching TV but in my life in general. It was time for me to get back on that path to wellness. To rediscover me again. So I made a lot of promises to myself. At first it was tough going. God, it was hard! Then I re-discovered that dieting was not for me. No way, I do not diet! That caused a lot more problems wherein because I was totally denying myself the food I love, which is the wrong way to do it, I became a cranky-pain-in-the-ass like someone with PMS 24/7! My husband was not happy, I was not happy, my kids felt the brunt of my yelling – I’m sorry darlings!
I read an article by Dr. John H. Sklare a psychologist for Ediets.com, “Break Your Attachment to Food”. His observations are absolutely correct. He said that “people used food to self-medicate themselves; to soothe their hurt, angry or lonely feelings”. I have to agree with him. Too many times people acquaint their moods to what they feel and how much they eat. I was doing that.
Dr. Sklare also said, “Food is also misused as a vehicle for pleasure. The problem arises when, after years of using food to create fleeting moments of pleasure, one establishes a well entrenched, knee-jerk reaction to life that leads directly to emotional eating’s front door. This habitual escape route seduces you into its web each time you are confronted with an emotional issue. And, since we humans all tend to be similar, we are all prone to this behavior”. Yep, I fit right into this type; I was an emotional eating mess. Somehow we all, at least most people seem to fall into this pattern. The need and the desire to feed our emotional pain. But if you ever decide to really sit and think about what you’re doing to yourself and your body, you would stop it immediately. Why do we seduce ourselves with food? We let ourselves get tangled in the food web because we refuse to face our real feelings and what’s bothering us. If you sit and ask yourself, why am I doing this? What is it that’s making me eat? Am I really hungry? You might surprise yourself at the answers. So, that’s exactly what I did.
I started looking at myself, my motives, or lack thereof, my life, where I am, where I wanted to go, what I wanted do next? Then I also had to deal with my grief. The void that I felt at the loss of my mom. The fact that my siblings were so far away. The hunger I felt for my homeland. What if I never get to where it is I wanted to go, the things I wanted to do, what if I never did them?
I will be 40 in another couple of weeks. I felt old, fat and unattractive. I felt lost. I looked at old photographs of myself and wondered who that girl is? Where did she go? How do I get her back?
So, one by one I took each of what kept me eating: So I’m going to be 40. This was one of the things that weighed heavy on my mind because I was still overweight. I didn’t hop on the get fit again bandwagon after my now 3 year old was born, I felt lazy and tired, too tired after dealing with kids and my daily life. All the books and media said when you hit 40 if you haven’t lost the extra weight you’ve been carrying around, it would be very hard to get rid of it.
That bothered me a lot. But then I asked, why am I pressuring myself like this? My hubby has not complained, he still loves me, is still sexually attracted to me so I can’t be that bad now can I? I’m still an attractive woman. I still have my flair and sense of fashion. I love my children and they love me too. I’m still honey and mommy to those who really care. I still get looks from the opposite sex so I’m not totally unattractive. Although I might be off the market so to speak, it does feel good when other men find me attractive.
I came to terms with the loss of my mom. Believe it or not, a television show I saw helped me to come to terms with what happened to her. It felt as if what this person was experiencing in that program was what happened to my mother. I was looking through the eyes of my mom and she was talking to me. It was a very surreal moment. Since that time I haven’t cried as much anymore. I don’t feel the grief as strongly. I’m still sad, but I don’t feel as fragile anymore.
I keep in touch with my siblings. We’ve always been very close and now we’re even closer. We communicate by telephone, IM, and Emails. I promised myself to start visiting my homeland more often, not three years as before, but yearly.
As for the things that I feel have yet to achieve and the things I want to do. The things I seem to have forgotten. It’s going to take baby steps and setting goals to accomplish them. I’ve devised a plan on how to do this and I’m going to do my best to make it happen. So I refuse to let fear of failure stop me. I won’t feel that I let myself down.
It’s not going to be a bed of roses and I won’t accomplish everything immediately, but I’ll keep on trying. I will stop beating myself up. And most importantly, I’ll stop using food as a crutch.
I’m still exercising and I feel great. I don’t have cravings as often. Hey, I’m only human and it’s hard but I have a goal to accomplish. It doesn’t mean I won’t eat chocolate anymore. But I won’t let stress make me an emotional eater. I’m doing it my way and at my own pace.