“This is a message
Pay attention
I got something to say
It’s not a conversation
This is my own world too….”
These are the words of singer Anastacia from her Freak of Nature CD, song #3, Overdue Goodbye
I love this CD. It just says so much that I can relate to. When I’m down I listen to it and I sing (out of tune, but who cares) and I scream and I turn it up loud and really belt it out! It’s a wonderful way to make myself feel better. I totally recommend it.
Now I’ve got some stuff on my mind, some things I wanted to talk about. It is in no way shape or form criticism of anyone, nor is it autobiographical. These are random thoughts and I hopefully will make sense, so bear with me. I’m trying to make sense out of life, cause I might be a parent, but I’m human and I hurt too, sometimes. So what if you don’t want to read another feel sorry for yourself blog. I really don’t give a damn but this is not one of those. I’ve got something to say so here it is……
When someone feels down, angry, torn, emotionally drained, what do they do? They can find an outlet for those emotions, in whatever shape or form that may be. And God help them if they don’t. Because if they bottle it up, if they don’t let it out, and the hurt turns inside out and turn on themselves, or those closest to them. The consequences, the outcome can be bad.
There has to be an outlet.
Step into the shoe of someone who is single, no kids, possibly a boyfriend or spouse. Will they share the pain and the anguish? Will their other half understand? Will they have the patience to handle the moods that comes in spurts? Oh no, PMS time again, or it could be more than that. Whatever, this person’s mood will somehow affect the person in their life. It’s either dealt with, or denied or there will be consequences.
Or if this person is single with no spouse, no other half, who do they turn to? Again, this person has to find an outlet, someone, something, somewhere. It has to be dealt with or denied or there will be consequences.
Now step into the shoe of a parent, be they a single parent or married with children. How does someone like this handles, anguish, pain, frustrations, depression, moods that drives them up a wall?
The parent does not get time to be alone. There is no “me” time. Because kids can be so demanding. Oh yes, you might quip, “So why the f#@k did you have kids then”, or say that being a parent was that person’s choice. That’s true, being a parent was the choice of the people who have kids. It’s the natural thing that happens after marriage or after living with someone you enter a relationship with, isn’t it?
When you have children it changes your life forever. You become responsible for someone else’s’ life. Someone who cannot defend themselves and who will look up to you for the rest of their life. Someone who will worship the ground you walk on and in whose eyes you can do no wrong. Someone who, no matter how much you intentionally or unintentionally hurt them, will always love you.
So with kids now in the picture, the people responsible for them make changes in their lives so that they can be a family unit; happy, comfortable and face each day together. The kids take over your life, literally. You eat, sleep and take a dump, with your child in tow. You learn together, make adjustments here and there. Become responsible, stern almost like your own parents so that you can give your child the correct upbringing for them to become perfect citizens of this world.
So you get no time to yourself, unless you make the time and even then, it’s fleeting and treasured. You somehow lose your identity and wonder, where did “me” go. Your relationship with your other half gets lost (to those perfect couples who don’t lose themselves, good for you!) in the shuffle of your child’s world.
You try to do good by them. To be fair and give them the best you can. And when you can do that, bless your heart! The kids will eventually grow older and become more independent and have you wondering where did your baby go. Oh yes, we all get to that stage at some point – thank God! (Smiles)
What happens when you’re not yet at that stage of independence with your child? When your child is still a baby, or toddler or in between 4 and 8? This child is needy and still depends on you for everything. You don’t get a chance to, as I mentioned before, go to the toilet to have some privacy. Ok, it’s your haven until that child turns 2 or 3, then you can forget locking the door and relaxing, trying to read that novel or magazine you’ve had for six months now. There’s no such thing as privacy!
Your child shares everything with you, including the food you eat, sometimes even pull the food out of your mouth! (and to a parent, that’s not yucky – you just have to explain (or try to) why that’s not allowed). forget about enjoying drinks (goodbye to alcohol) and putting your glass down! They want to look like you and do everything that you do. It’s not enough that you do make time for them and do so much with and for them. The demand on your time is 24/7 you have to keep them entertained. Because at the toddler stage, you’re fighting with them about everything. This is the stage they try to be the boss of you.
You’re now dealing with your child’s emotion. And you have to be careful how you handle them, because these are very crucial and impressionable years. So, what happens when the parent who is a great parent, has emotions that they have to deal with? What happens when this person has not yet been able to reach that point or stage in their own life where they are content and not have it all together? The child will somehow tune in to the moods and feelings of the parent. If you break down in front of them or if they see you sad and crying, they will react the same way. And you don’t want to show them your tears because they don’t/won’t understand what you’re going through.
What I’m trying to get at is sometimes a parent cannot hide their feelings. Sometimes they are not even allowed to experience it. Sometimes they cannot show it because of the effects it will have on those children. I’m not talking abuse, I’m talking kids can pick up on a parent’s mood and emotion and it can have the same effect on that child. Kids are ultra sensitive and they will realize that mommy or daddy is upset and they get upset too and/or they might even blame themselves.
And here you are, with a child or children you’re responsible for, who are driving you crazy on that one day that you don’t think you can handle them right now. And you do and say everything to get them to stop and see reason and understand. And they don’t. You yell at them and look murderous and you want to strangle them.
Been there, felt that. Did the shouting and screaming at the top of my lungs! My kids cowered from me, and were shocked. Then it’s tears and kissing and making up and trying to tell them, mommy is just tired and cranky and you wouldn’t listen. And you give them hugs and kisses and you hope they understand what you tried to tell them. This is when you realize, you’re only human. That you need to find yourself, to make time for yourself. If you have a spouse who will understand and will give you a break and take the kids for a while. Or take you out somewhere. That’s great. And if he’s not around to do this because he works late or he’s off somewhere else. Or he’s just totally clueless! Then you have to find an outlet for these times of anguish.
So writing becomes a therapy, whether it is in a book or a blog. Or you find a friend, someone whom you can say anything to, who will be honest with you and who will do the most important thing, listen to you. A friend who will let you ramble and rant and cry and do whatever. Everyone needs someone in his or her life like this. Some people might say, feeling sorry for yourself doesn’t get you anywhere, so grow up, or get over yourself. I say get lost to them! Because feeling sorry for yourself gets you to take stock and to try to do something. It gets you to take action once and for all. And whatever that action is, will be for the best you ever.
So when you see a mother with kids, out there at the supermarket or anywhere else, with kids who are screaming and out of control; with mom looking ready to “kill”, lost, or pull her hair out. Before you point a finger at someone who seems to be out of control, don’t be judge and jury. Be a friend instead.
After all, if you cut me, don’t’ I bleed? Parents do have their moments too. We feel pain and have feelings. Who says they have to be perfect or have their world together. Some of us are still trying to find ourselves. And we have to do that plus be responsible for the children in our lives, go to school, hold a job, keep house, be a girlfriend, wife, lover, etc. We learn to cope and to become good parents. So cut us some slack. You’re not so perfect yourself.