Pain is one of the things in life that I would never wish on anyone. Of course people experience it on a regular basis for one reason or another. Having experienced excruciating pain, I empathize.
I used to think that having a toothache was one of the most awful pains to experience; until I went through childbirth - three times! Then there's been migraine, the blinding-aching-can't-open-my-eyes-close-the-curtain-turn-off-the-lights kind that makes you feel so ill all you want to do is curl up anywhere and drown a bottle of anything to make it stop!
The good thing for me is I don't have these migraine anymore - maybe it was something I was eating, maybe my environment, stress...who knows (this was when I lived in NY).
Then there's the pain you feel when you're body is changing. Going through different stages of life can be painful...your body trying to adjust to the fact that you can't make that hurdle over the fence like you used to; or do a quick bend from the knee (stooping) and pick something up and be back on your feet in no time, like you used to; then there's the back aches and the joint aches and you wonder, what the f#%%? Arthritis is a rite of passage in my family so exercise is of the utmost importance right now.
The good thing about all this joint and body aches and pains is they went away when I started to exercise again. Just doing some type of physical activity for 30 minutes are more daily will keep your body limber! And I’m lucky because for me that was easy. For some folks this part is not so easy. They have constant pain that only medication or an operation will take away. I empathize wholeheartedly because pain is very hard to live this way.
Then there’s the pain that will never go away. The kind that will live with you forever. The pain of loss. Doesn’t matter what kind of loss you experienced, losing something or someone dearest to your heart is a pain that will never go away.
When I started to write this, I was going to focus on medication and look at things from a medical point of view (IMO)but it’s quite obvious to me that the pain I’ve been feeling lately won’t let me do that. My pain right now is focus on the loss of my parents. It’s a constant thing with me. And perhaps it’s because the loss is still so fresh. My dad died four years ago, my mom almost a year a go. The loss of my mom was even greater than my dad was. It doesn’t’ take much to have me in an emotional mess when I think about her. My grief is not as intense as at the beginning of her dieing but it pretty much still hurts. I know it’s because the anniversary of her death is coming up and my brothers and sisters and I are going to have it at the forefront of our minds.
Death is a part of life, that’s a given. However its mark never fails to leave us (humans) helpless and with so much angst as we wonder why the one we love was taken away from us. It seems so unfair somehow. But who are we to question God’s wishes. Some people don’t believe in thinking about death this way. But this is our custom (culture) and it does comfort us in thinking this way. We know she’s off to a better place because she was in so much pain. We know she wanted to go because living the way she was, she hated it. She had made her peace and I didn’t even realize it. I prayed for God not to let her go yet, just one more year I asked, but it wasn’t to be. I look back at that and realized that was so selfish of me.
I am grateful that I was with her when she died. Truthfully she died that afternoon in the emergency room. The moment when I smelt that familiar smell of soap my dad used (Irish Spring) and felt his presence as I sat waiting while they administered to her. He came for her and I knew that she wouldn’t make it. I’ll never forget it. It might seem immature and unrealistic to think this way, but I’m glad they’re together. And that comforted my siblings and me somehow. And it still does.
I’ve accepted the fact that I’ve come to terms with her death, however it’s going to take a while yet for me to stop this grief. It feels good to get this out somehow. This definitely is my therapy to help me deal with my pain; writing and listening to my music.
“King of Sorrow by Sade
I have so much to do
I have to carry on
I wonder will this grief ever be gone
Will it ever go
I'm the king of sorrow, yeah
The king of sorrow
I'm crying everyone's tears
I have already paid for all my future sins
There's nothing anyone
Can say to take this away
It's just another day and nothing's any good “