I gave God an ultimatum

Journeys of Faith

Published on June 29, 2006 By foreverserenity In Religion

I was at a crossroads recently, wondering if it makes sense believing what I do, believing in whom I do. My faith has never steered me wrong. But there were times when I wondered about that which I believe in. I know there are people out there who don’t believe in the God that I do. Who perhaps after serving him for a while begins to question themselves and that which they believe, and so they turn their energy to something else. Whether it’s to worshipping and serving another form of God or just not believe anymore and thus become a non-believer, of no faith, no religion.

I read with interest Simon’s blog about his conversion Link, I didn’t give a response since the discussion died, but I found it quite interesting. His experiences and what made him change to practice what he does now, I’m not sure if Magik is a religion or not? [both Islandgurl and Tova really asked some interesting questions which were so on point].

I wondered to myself if his leaving the Christian faith was due to the lack of response he got from God.

Something he mentioned stood out in my mind a lot and I found myself going over it again, and again. He said that this thing that Christians do, they’re always asking for things, they cry, and beseech to the Lord asking for what they need.

Upon reflection, we do this very thing and I wonder why that is?! I remember making a statement in responding to someone once on another religious/philosophical article they had written that all this crying and beseeching was perhaps due to the emotions that we feel. When you pray and you begin to feel the presence of the Lord, you feel overwhelmed and overcome with a feeling that makes you weep with it’s intensity. That’s the only explanation that I have for that. I guess it’s something that most Christians do.

Being at this crossroad, I’ve lately began to question myself about whether my faith, what I believe in is just not what it should be. You see there are times that I go through certain things, obstacles that affect my life and I pray and leave it to the Lord to handle. This always made me feel better and I would have faith that he would take care of it because he never let me down.

But I've been thinking negatively lately, asking myself if God is hearing me. Why? Because my life seemed to be going in circles. I kept experiencing the same things, having the same outcome no matter what I do to change it. So when I read Simon’s blog it got me thinking maybe he’s right, maybe putting all my hope in my Christian beliefs is a waste of time. (he didn’t say it was, but that’s my interpretation, at least what I thought I wanted to ‘hear’). So my response was not one of positivity, it was one of negativity towards myself, towards my faith.

I actually gave God an ultimatum. Me, little old me! I said, (and I have these conversations all the time too!) “You know Lord, there are other people out there who are in worse positions that me, going through much more, but I’m important too. Why do things have to be the way they are for me all of the time? I’m just so tired of trying to solve everyone’s problems, trying to solve my own. I’m so tired Lord I am not doing this anymore. I’m not going to ask for anything because it seems that I’m being ignored and maybe I complain too much so you don’t hear my prayers anymore”. I said, “Lord I love you but I just can’t do it anymore, I just can’t be the shoulder of everyone’s life, of my own, because I’m worn out. I’m not going to do this anymore. I’m done”.

So I went about my day, feeling like a load of dog poo. Everything that I encountered that day was negative, in my mind it was. I just looked for every negative thing I could find and moan about it. I felt like a big ole fat turd; in more ways than one!

But one thing was happening that my mind in it’s negative state did not comprehend. Little things I was experiencing, small dose of positivity, despite how I was feeling, despite what my mindset was.

I was on the road a lot because of errands I had to do, there were crazy drivers around me and twice I almost got run over by someone in their big vehicle. It’s a good thing I was alert while driving and so prevented an accident. One of them was a woman on her cell phone, who switched to my lane right in front of me without warning while trying to swing her big vehicle with one hand! I was in the right turning lane; she was supposed to be going straight! Good grief!

I got a great deal on my grocery shopping, instead of spending $150 like I usually do to get everything I want, I spent $87! I was able to help my brother out when he called on me for some help!

I thought someone had gotten into my account and went into panic mode, but upon more detailed inspection, there was a mistaken calculation because of something the bank did, that I didn’t notice, boy was I frantic!

Then I realized you know it’s not that he doesn’t hear me, he has been doing small things, he has been making my life better but I’ve been too negative to notice them. Then I realized that I’ve got to get out of this mode of negativity. Start being positive again! What made me realized this was watching Joel Osteen on the telivision that Sunday morning and it's like he was talking to me! (the man's always saying something that's so relevant it's amazing!) So sometimes things don’t work out the way I want them to, so everyone is having problems in their lives. I might not always be able to help all of the time but I can still be there, to support and encourage both myself and that person.

I asked the Lord to forgive me and I thanked him for the blessings I had in my life.

There are people in my life who are constantly at odds with their circumstances and they call on me. They know they have someone who can encourage and support them and make them look at things differently and even try a new way to do something. At the end of each conversation both of us ‘walk’ away feeling better. That’s a gift I have that I shouldn’t take too lightly. Even when I can’t do anything to help them financially most of the time I can at least show them another outlook or encourage them to find other solutions. Because like me, sometimes all they are seeing is the negativity and not noticing any positive outcome because they are feeling too overwhelmed. I thank God that I have that gift.

I thank God for my family because we are all healthy. No one is sick and bedridden. My kids might not get everything they want all of the time, but they are fed and clothed and they are basically happy. And come to think about it, they might have to wait for what they ask for but they get it eventually!

So you see, I told myself, the Lord is not ignoring you. He’s always there, lifting you up, walking in your footsteps you just didn’t notice! Thank you Lord!

Someone reading this who doesn’t believe may just say to themselves, geech another freaking Christian whining again! Or another blog about nothing, wasting my time. That’s ok, I’m not mad if you think that.

There might be someone out there who needs to see this and yes, I believe in someone being helped through me writing this. Although I don’t like to unload on others I wanted to share this.

You see the Christian faith is not perceived as the greatest or the best religion. Especially when there are so many denominations of this one faith, each with their own rules and interpretation. Some people who are Christians can be such fanatics, (I believe this is true of anything, there are always the few who will be extreme in their thinking) so warped in their thinking and behaviors; they turn others off from Christ. They don’t easily accept others into their fold, which is not God’s way, it’s their way. I won’t go into all that others say they have experienced because of a church and so that’s why they don’t believe, even if they once did.

Sometimes it’s not who or why, sometimes it’s up to you the individual to make your experience that which you want. Allowing others to dictate their way of being to you, just because it’s supposed to be that way is sometimes unavoidable. But you don’t have to let them change who you are. You don’t have to let them make you not believe.

It is a good thing to have experiences that will make you look at yourself and your life as if you’re seeing yourself for the first time. It is good to have experiences that make you question your faith. These experiences help you to grow into who you are. You might end up stronger or you might end up with a mental crutch, forever needing someone else’s vision in order to see your own.

Sometimes you just need to be more proactive in your own life. Not sitting and waiting for things to come to you or magically appear in your lap. You have to go after it, seek it out, do something that will change your life, your mindset.

My mom always told me, “The Lord help those who help themselves”. This is so true. Because he’s not going to just hand you what you want from your life. You have to do things yourself. How else will you benefit from it? God won’t let the bad things happen to you deliberately, but he’ll be there to carry you through the experiences, he’ll walk in your footsteps!

Changing your mindset would be a great way to begin. That’s what I’m doing and I’m feeling better for it!

Comments (Page 1)

jennybean

on Jun 29, 2006

Great article, FS! I have to admit that when I saw the article, my heart dropped a little. It mad me sad to think of you losing faith in God when I see he is very much a part of your life. As the article went on, I could really see where you coming from though. I think everyone at some point must question their faith to make sure it is something they truly believe and not just something forced on you to believe from family or tradition. I loved this statement at the end: "It is a good thing to have experiences that will make you look at yourself and your life as if you’re seeing yourself for the first time. It is good to have experiences that make you question your faith. These experiences help you to grow into who you are. You might end up stronger or you might end up with a mental crutch, forever needing someone else’s vision in order to see your own." Very well put. You are an excellent writer. Glad to see this experience brought you positive thinking.

foreverserenity

on Jun 29, 2006

Reply By: jennybeanPosted: Thursday, June 29, 200

Thank you Jenny for your thoughtful response! I'm glad what I wrote appealed to you. Believe it or not I almost did lose my faith because I felt myself getting disillusioned about life and so on. I'm an optimistic person but I have my moments and I had had a trying time the day i wrote it. But the events that happened over that weekend opened my eyes to what I wasn't seeing. It was a revelation.

Thx for taking the time to read my long-winded article! (blows Jenny a kiss~)

Trudygolightly

on Jun 29, 2006

Thank you for sharing this forever, it was well written and I felt like it was written just for me too. A tad selfish yes, however it touched my heart. Not a lot of blogs can do that.

thanks again

jennybean

on Jun 29, 2006

My pleasure; it was a great article!

Tova7

on Jun 29, 2006

Good article FS.

Now I have a question for you. Do you love God for Who He is or for What He does for you?

This article hit close to home for me because I always believed I loved God for Who He is...but then when things went south in my life...really south, and I spent three years struggling everyday to keep my sanity...I got mad at God for not giving me something, anything to let me know it would be ok.

I got nothing. Was He still with me? Yes. But if you are in a dark room and can't see anything but you know another person is in there and they won't talk to you...does it really help to have them there? It didn't for me. After awhile it just pissed me off. I went from pleading, to sorrow, to outright grief, to anger.

At the end of it all my faith was burnt down to one simple question. Is God good? You see God allowed everything to be taken from Job, his family, his finances, his health, everything. People looked at Job and said "You're better off dead Job..it would end your suffering!" But Job loved God for WHO God is...not for the "blessings" God gave him. It really is a powerful lesson.

Sometimes the best blessing God gives me, are the very hard times I curse.

Thanks.

Ms Mitchell

on Jun 29, 2006

I've started and deleted several comments. I can't seem to formulate what I want to tell you without making it about me. So I'll just say thank you for posting this. I needed to read it.

foreverserenity

on Jun 29, 2006

Reply By: TrudygolightlyPosted: Thursday, June 29, 2006Thank you for sharing this forever, it was well written and I felt like it was written just for me too. A tad selfish yes, however it touched my heart. Not a lot of blogs can do that.thanks again

Thank you Trudy! I'm so glad you got something out of it. It's great when someone else can get inspired from your work! I hope whatever you're going through you can see a rainbow at the end. Just don't give up! ((((Trudy))))

Reply By: jennybeanPosted: Thursday, June 29, 2006My pleasure; it was a great article!

Thx again!

Reply By: Tova7Posted: Thursday, June 29, 2006Good article FS.

Thank you Tonya!

Now I have a question for you. Do you love God for Who He is or for What He does for you?

That's a great question! One I've never had to really reflect upon because I know just where my heart is and I know what's in it.

I'll try to answer your question, saying try, means I'll try to put into words how I feel. I'm going to lie if I say I don't love him for what he does for me, because I do, very much. I like it that he can make me feel great about myself, about my life, about the things that I go through. Even when those times are so heart wrenching, when I hated what was going on. There have been moments in my life when I was angry at God too.

I think that we (humans) are so like God in so many ways, (except for being all knowing and powerful and all that); remember he made us in his image, not just what he looked like (and that itself is such a quagmire of arguments I'm not going there!) but he made us in his image and that to me meant that we inherited our feelings from him. We love, we hate, we get angry, we get jealous, we feel all range of emotions. So he may not be the type to whine and weep as much as we human do, I don't know. But would we be able to be who we are otherwise? Is it so bad to want to have something other than what we do already? I say no, it isn't. It's not what you want so much as what you do with what you have and what you do when you get it. Also, whether you're going to be a lazy bum or just sit and expect God to hand you everything on a silver platter because he doesn't work that way.

I definately like what he does for me. This makes me see who he really is and I love him for who he is.

foreverserenity

on Jun 29, 2006

Sometimes the best blessing God gives me, are the very hard times I curse.

I think most people can relate to this Tonya. It's a powerful statement and it's definately a testament to how we become stronger in spirit.

Reply By: Ms. MitchellPosted: Thursday, June 29, 2006I've started and deleted several comments. I can't seem to formulate what I want to tell you without making it about me. So I'll just say thank you for posting this. I needed to read it.

You're welcome! I would have love to read what your experience was. I'm just glad that you were able to get something out of reading this.

island_gurl12

on Jun 29, 2006

*sigh of relief*
I was scared too when i read the title, why do we always try to do deals with God huh? Like if you give me this i promise i will do this. Lol!

Nice article anyway, I really enjoyed it and I think i'm gonna pass the word to my workmate, she's feeling abit down lately. I hope this cheers her up!

KFC Kickin For Christ

on Jun 30, 2006

Hey Forever, it's good to examine your life like you did. We should all do that from time to time. I believe even when we're not faithful He is always faithful and patient with us. He allows us to kick and scream at Him sometimes in trying to find our way. We all go thru this. I call them growing pains.

You remind me of Gideon with his fleece. He wanted to make sure God was really with him so he kept putting out the fleece to make sure. God's patience with him shows me that he allows us to question and test him to see if he's there. He's ok with that. More than anything he wants us to communicate with Him and he's more than willing to show himself to us. I love that about God.

Good article.

foreverserenity

on Jun 30, 2006

Reply By: island_gurl12Posted: Thursday, June 29, 2006*sigh of relief*I was scared too when i read the title, why do we always try to do deals with God huh? Like if you give me this i promise i will do this. Lol!

Yeah, I know!

Nice article anyway, I really enjoyed it and I think i'm gonna pass the word to my workmate, she's feeling abit down lately. I hope this cheers her up!

I'm glad. I hope it will cheer her up!

Reply By: KFC (Kickin For Christ)Posted: Friday, June 30, 2006Hey Forever, it's good to examine your life like you did. We should all do that from time to time. I believe even when we're not faithful He is always faithful and patient with us. He allows us to kick and scream at Him sometimes in trying to find our way. We all go thru this. I call them growing pains.

Yes, growing pains is right! Yep, he sits and wait on us, aren't we lucky?!

You remind me of Gideon with his fleece. He wanted to make sure God was really with him so he kept putting out the fleece to make sure. God's patience with him shows me that he allows us to question and test him to see if he's there. He's ok with that. More than anything he wants us to communicate with Him and he's more than willing to show himself to us. I

Great anology! I like that too!

Good article.

Thanks KFC!

Foxjazz

on Aug 12, 2006

Serenety, it seems as if your name is a contradiction of your reality.

Maybe you should be called ForeverConflicted.

It is Cathartic to reflect on your life, just don't depend on "the lord" for anything. The old saying God helps only those that help themselves applies.

"Give up and let God"? I have heard that one before, it just means wait long enough, and your problems change.

Meditate on it, meditate with yourself. Pretend like your talking to God a lot, life gets better, and it gets worse.

Good luck,

Fox

Foxjazz

on Aug 12, 2006

EmperorofIceCream

on Aug 12, 2006

To: foreverserenity

First thing - I think the process of self-examination you put yourself through is admirable. All those who actually believe (no matter what they believe) ought to test the faith they have to discover if it really is their faith - not their family's; not their pastor's; theirs.

It was such a process that led to my baptism in the Spirit, many years ago. I hated on God all that day, raging away inside myself. That night, for no apparent reason, I walked to my local Pentecostal church and asked to speak to the pastor - I got a counsellor instead - and left an hour later, nearly delirious with joy and babbling frenziedly in tongues.

I still sing and speak in tongues even though I'm not a Christian anymore. Self-examination changes things in real ways, which is perhaps why so few Christians engage in it, and why I applaud you for doing so.

I still believe in, and respect, the god-form Jesus, the direct creation of ardent faith spent continuously over 2000 years. Being a god-form Jesus can have real effect in the lives of people, which is why calling on His name has power. What I left behind was the faith I had in 'Jesus Christ'. While I believe in the god-form I no longer either worship or serve it. What I do worship counts as a Christian heresy, because my faith draws on the roots of Christianity in the OT - draws on those roots but doesn't conform to them. It's that similarity which informs the interest I still have in Christianity - which is why I take part in these debates from time to time.

I mention all of this because of the following comment you made - "So when I read Simon’s blog it got me thinking maybe he’s right, maybe putting all my hope in my Christian beliefs is a waste of time." It isn't a waste of time and I never meant to imply that it was - the above account explains why.

At another point you make reference to my belief that the forms of prayer among contemporary Christians are in essence nothing more than begging. The prophets of the OT are my models of what prayer is - not once did they beg, though they frequently beseeched, demanded, supplicated and occasionally raged. Christians beg. "God, give me what I want because I'm too useless and f*cked up to do anything about it myself - pleassssssssse."

What my belief absolutely does not refer to is the kind of thing you cite in this comment -

"When you pray and you begin to feel the presence of the Lord, you feel overwhelmed and overcome with a feeling that makes you weep with it’s intensity." This is being caught up in the Spirit, being exalted by grace beyond yourself. It often takes the form of tears, whether of joy, or repentance, or both. It's the exact antithesis of the craven self-interest that I referred to in my comments on prayer among today's Christians. I've known this exaltation many times, seen it in many others: there's nothing of either cowardice or self-interest in it.

"I’m not sure if Magik is a religion or not?" In my case, yes. Some Magickians would tell you that I limit myself unnecessarily in this. My reply would be 'And?' They're my limits.

"it’s up to you the individual to make your experience that which you want." This is what Magickians do, I couldn't have put it better myself. The fact that the Magickian in question here is a Christian is why the transformation of your internal reality has taken a Christian form. But what you did is nonetheless an act of the will directed toward changing the world (your part of it) into something you want it to be. Which is what Magick is.

I'm glad I said something that prompted you to think and that helped you along. To do that kind of thing is always a privilege.

EmperorofIceCream

on Aug 12, 2006

To: Foxjazz

Maybe you should be called ForeverConflicted.

What's wrong with being conflicted? I prefer a certain uncertainty to an uncertain certainty, and always have. It's when you think that you've got it right that you can be certain you haven't.

Pretend like your talking to God a lot, life gets better, and it gets worse.

Yes it does. And? The lack of apparent rhyme or reason to what happens in life is simply one more testimony that God is: if we could understand everything we would be God. And before you tell me that to see God in an uncertain world is no proof of God's existence let me tell you that I don't say it is. Like everything else to do with faith, that kind of vision is a choice. What constitutes the basis for choice is the personal experience of the one making it. Whether such a basis and such a choice are irrational or not is another question entirely.

However, there's a much more straightforward retort to your comment than the above statements: "the fool hath said in his heart that there is no God."

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