Life as I Know It; Family; Lifestyle; and Healthy Living!
The teenage years
Published on December 8, 2006 By foreverserenity In Parenting
I'm not sure how to put this into words or what to even write about. I know it's been on my mind a lot lately and I have to write to think it out.

Recently my daughter said she has agreed to go steady with a boy, she's 17, he's 19. My hubby met him, I haven't formally met him. My hubby met him because he used to work where my daughter works.

He's doing nothing right now. NOt going to school, no job, nothing. Although he's supposed to start school in January, college that is.

He's not exactly who I would have picked as her first boyfriend. My first question to her is are they intimate. She said no and she is not into that and she has told him that. I said ok, it's ok with you but boys will be boys and you know how they can be. Sex is very much a part of a young man's life at that age.

She's assured me that it isn't going to be a part of their relationship. They are just dating. I believe her and know she wouldn't lie to me.

To be brief, because I have to go pick her up in a few minutes, they are on their second official date.

I'm worried that I won't handle this well. That I'll either scare her, worry unecessarily or just plain be the parent who makes their child's life a nightmare because you want to protect them and not let them grow up, at least not yet, in that manner.

I've been the calming influence over her dad because I know he's pretty protective and he's got the 'bat' out so to speak. I told him she's growing up and we have to let her do this because it's what children go through.

I'm an open mom, we do communicate and always have done so with each other. I don't want to be overbearing with advice and scare her or anything like that.

For once me in my usual eloquence of writing is not so eloquent and is making a mess of this writing.

Anway, I am watching and see and missing my mom right now.

My baby is growing up and I'm not ready for it.

Comments (Page 1)
2 Pages1 2 
on Dec 08, 2006
Trust your kid. Just don't trust the other kid.
on Dec 08, 2006

FS, she's doing her job (being a young women learning about love), he's doing his part (being a young man, stuck between high school graduation and life, not sure where he wants it to take him yet), your husband is doing his part (getting out the bat, but only enough for her to know it's at the ready), and relax, you are doing your job (worrying about your little girl, and coming to grips with the fact she's not so little anymore.

At 17 the only thing you have left to teach her is how to think for herself, you have always been open with each other, and it sounds like that hasn't changed a bit.  Let that be your guide, as long as she continues to be open with you, you know nothing's changed... if all of the sudden she's shutting down, keeping secrets, getting defensive or anything else that isn't her; well, then you already know what's going on.

Enjoy this wonderfully tough time in your life, and be glad you get to be part of her life to enjoy it.

on Dec 08, 2006
FS, she's doing her job (being a young women learning about love), he's doing his part (being a young man, stuck between high school graduation and life, not sure where he wants it to take him yet), your husband is doing his part (getting out the bat, but only enough for her to know it's at the ready), and relax, you are doing your job (worrying about your little girl, and coming to grips with the fact she's not so little anymore.
At 17 the only thing you have left to teach her is how to think for herself, you have always been open with each other, and it sounds like that hasn't changed a bit. Let that be your guide, as long as she continues to be open with you, you know nothing's changed... if all of the sudden she's shutting down, keeping secrets, getting defensive or anything else that isn't her; well, then you already know what's going on.


Wow Ted I am so impressed with this. I could NEVER have said all that, never even thought it, but when I read it....I said, YEAH...that's it exactly.

Forever, I was strong willed and no one could tell me ANYTHING at 17. My aunt (the one with cancer) told me last weekend I was the worst teen ever...and that she would never help another teen in need because of the way I acted. (I didn't listen to her and argued all the time.)

So sounds like you and your daughter have that beat with a stick.  
on Dec 08, 2006
Sometimes the hardest thing to do as a parent is to realize that you've done all you can do.

So Donna, just be there for her and love her dearly.
on Dec 08, 2006
Pretty much everything Para said. Cool words by the way!

Anyway, you help her most by being who you are. The one she can talk to.

I have to say, I'm really impressed with your daughter. You have a really cool family.
on Dec 08, 2006
I wouldn't worry. You seem to have your part under control. Just remember that while you may not approve of her choices, she needs to know that you will love her unconditionally. THis is the age when people make mistakes. Hopefully nothing will happen worse than a broken heart, but no matter what, she needs to know that even though you may disagree with her choices, that you will still be there for her. This is coming from a person who left home at graduation, not to return for 5 years becuase of conflict with her father. My inlaws however have a close knit, if non-traditional family. I know which I want when I'm on the flip side.
on Dec 08, 2006
Trust your kid. Just don't trust the other kid.


Have I told you enough times how much I appreciate you, as a friend, because you always make me laugh, even when I don't feel like it?! Thank you!!






Reply By: ParaTed2kPosted: Friday, December 08, 2006FS, she's doing her job (being a young women learning about love), he's doing his part (being a young man, stuck between high school graduation and life, not sure where he wants it to take him yet), your husband is doing his part (getting out the bat, but only enough for her to know it's at the ready), and relax, you are doing your job (worrying about your little girl, and coming to grips with the fact she's not so little anymore.At 17 the only thing you have left to teach her is how to think for herself, you have always been open with each other, and it sounds like that hasn't changed a bit. Let that be your guide, as long as she continues to be open with you, you know nothing's changed... if all of the sudden she's shutting down, keeping secrets, getting defensive or anything else that isn't her; well, then you already know what's going on.Enjoy this wonderfully tough time in your life, and be glad you get to be part of her life to enjoy it.


Wow Ted, you've put into words everything I couldn't even think of saying. Thank you! I will definately take your advice. It's hard and I really didn't think I would be reacting this way but I am. Thanks again!


Forever, I was strong willed and no one could tell me ANYTHING at 17. My aunt (the one with cancer) told me last weekend I was the worst teen ever...and that she would never help another teen in need because of the way I acted. (I didn't listen to her and argued all the time.)


Well thank heavens it's not like that, and hope never to be. I wasn't rebellious with my mom, although I wanted to be, but because we had a good relationship, after the age of 16 that is, when I grew up a little, I didn't give her any trouble!


Sometimes the hardest thing to do as a parent is to realize that you've done all you can do. So Donna, just be there for her and love her dearly.


Thx Joe! You're right of course. That's what we're doing and keeping my fingers crossed!


Anyway, you help her most by being who you are. The one she can talk to.I have to say, I'm really impressed with your daughter. You have a really cool family.


Thanks momijiki. She is really a wonderful girl and turning into a great young lady. I'm just so in awe of her right now, especially when I look back at baby pictures and remembered the years of her being a toddler and being 12!


Reply By: lifehappensPosted: Friday, December 08, 2006I wouldn't worry. You seem to have your part under control. Just remember that while you may not approve of her choices, she needs to know that you will love her unconditionally. THis is the age when people make mistakes. Hopefully nothing will happen worse than a broken heart, but no matter what, she needs to know that even though you may disagree with her choices, that you will still be there for her. This is coming from a person who left home at graduation, not to return for 5 years becuase of conflict with her father. My inlaws however have a close knit, if non-traditional family. I know which I want when I'm on the flip side.


I know. I'm reserving judgement, even though I want to say so much more. I wondered to myself could I possibly that way, wanting to dictate to her who she should be dating, the type of person, etc. Of course getting to know him will be what I have to do. I'll wait and see how long this lasts. At least he's polite on the phone, that's a good sign!


on Dec 08, 2006
Well, unfortunately I don't know your kid or have kids of my own so I don't really know what to say....I'm actually in between both of their ages...so I guess I qualify as being part of "them". At my age, however, I think that most can make intelligent decisions about life and how they want to approach things...it does depend on the individual, and that'll be your call. As the others said, just keep communication open and things should be fine...it's an age of discovery, basically....I guess, I mean, I learn things all the time about stuff...so I guess discovery is the right word.

Just be relaxed...having concern is always good, and there's a happy medium to strive for...as long as you worry about going overboard, you probably won't because you're aware of the fact that there IS an overboard...and by overboard I mean locking your kid in a tower or something away from all males.

~Zoo
on Dec 09, 2006
I guess, I mean, I learn things all the time about stuff...so I guess discovery is the right word.


Yes, discovery is the right word and yes, you're right about that too!


and by overboard I mean locking your kid in a tower or something away from all males.


LOL!Can I do that til she's 30?! I'm kidding! But I know what you mean!  
on Dec 09, 2006
FS...I'm 26. And I'm not a parent. But like para said, there comes a point where you've done what you can and now you've got to let your young woman use those skills, morals, and values that you've taught her. And it sounds like you've done a fabulous job, my dear, and she's doing those things. My mom and I have finally gotten to the point now where I realize how smart and how cool she really is (because I realize how dorky she is...just like me!)...I never would have listened to her when I was seventeen. I think its awesome that you've got those lines of communication open. Lots of families don't have that at all, and that's awesome.
on Dec 09, 2006
Reply By: Marcie HelenPosted: Saturday, December 09, 2006FS...I'm 26. And I'm not a parent. But like para said, there comes a point where you've done what you can and now you've got to let your young woman use those skills, morals, and values that you've taught her. And it sounds like you've done a fabulous job, my dear, and she's doing those things. My mom and I have finally gotten to the point now where I realize how smart and how cool she really is (because I realize how dorky she is...just like me!)...I never would have listened to her when I was seventeen. I think its awesome that you've got those lines of communication open. Lots of families don't have that at all, and that's awesome


Marcie! So glad you're a full fledge JUser again! Welcome back!


I know what you mean about now being able to have a relationship with your mom. As a young girl growing up, my mom and I were fine really, just me when I got to a certain age wanting to strike out and taste the adventures, although she really didn't restrict me, just sometimes she did, and eventually as I got to be an older teen and of course a woman, I realise how much my mom was trying to protect me.

I do try to do the same with my daughter. I do realise she's older now and I have to let her go eventually, to experience things for herself. And I'm trying to let her find her own way with guidance and imput from us of course. Just that we didn't really factor in the dating thing which was really stupid. We just didn't think it would come this early, although for some parents their kids started dating earlier than 17. I'm just glad she waited til now really. But it's just making sure that I don't over react and say something that may cause a wedge, especially since I dont' want it right now. But as advised, I'm taking it one day at a time and letting the string go as long as possible!
on Dec 09, 2006
I sort of hope I never have a girl...otherwise that would prompt me to own a large weapon collection...I'm a bit overprotective with my friends, I can't imagine how I would be with a daughter.

"Hey you, are you looking at her?!? Come here!" *terrified kid runs like his ass is aflame*

~Zoo
on Dec 09, 2006

Sometimes the hardest thing to do as a parent is to realize that you've done all you can do.

DITTO.  After 4, I am still learning that lesson.

on Dec 09, 2006
You are both being the best parents you can be. You have an open door of communication with her, which is great. Hopefully, if something ever arises relationship-wise that she is concerned with, she will seek your guidance and advice on it.

You are a great mom who has raised some pretty decent kids...don't you forget that.
on Dec 09, 2006
My girls are 32 and 29 and if it was up to me, they would still NOT BE DATING!!
2 Pages1 2